Halloween 2K4: Along came Boris
Construction
Construction began a couple weeks before Halloween with a trip to the hardware store. The heart of the costume is a frame backpack. Attached front and back are quarter-inch plywood panels, secured to threaded rods and between the panels is heavy cloth to cover everything up. I made the underlying form of the vagina by stapling chicken wire down to the front panel. I then covered the chicken wire with a layer of quarter-inch foam. The first of about 10 coats of beige spray paint was then applied to the foam. Creating the lips came next. I cut them from a single piece of half-inch high-density foam, which was then spray painted pink. I inserted an unfolded coat hanger along the outer perimeter of the foam to allow pose-ability. The pubic hair is steel wool painted black and held in place with zip-ties.
The day before the block party, I decided that I wanted to take things to the next level. Knowing that I'd be on stage at some point, I figured the way to really woo the crowd in my favor would be to relieve myself on everyone. My initial plan was to buy an automatic squirt gun, dissect it, and use the internals to add the ability to pee to my already offensive costume. The morning of the contest, I went in search of a squirt gun that would fit the bill. Unfortunately, my timing sucked and it turns out that not too many stores carry squirt guns at the end of October. Before counting the idea out completely, I stopped in at an industrial liquidation store on the off chance that they might have something that would work. Luck was on my side, this time, and I was able to pick up a windshield washer fluid motor, some tubing and an eyedropper that I cannibalized to make a nozzle. I got home, ran some tests and decided to go through with improving the anatomical correctness of my vagina. I added a Camelbak bladder and a couple batteries to the equation, wired and mounted everything, and I was in business. The only remaining steps were to paint my face pink and get to the contest on time.
The Block Party
It would be an understatement to say that the costume was well received. Ensconcing oneself in a giant vagina and parading around downtown San Diego makes for instant celebrity status. I found that I was unable to walk more than a few feet without people stopping me to take their picture with me. Eventually, I simply relegated myself to standing in one spot and allowed people to come up to me.
The night was not without its downfalls, however. I think the real low point came when we first arrived and were walking up to the line to get into the event. There was a family of three standing off to the side and when a little girl of, maybe, 7 saw me, she asked her mother, "Mommy, what's that supposed to be?"
The Contest
Once I was inside the event, it took me about 20 minutes to find the signup booth for the contest (this should have taken all of two minutes, but I kept getting stopped by people to take pictures and I got bad directions a couple of times. At any rate, I finally made it over to the booth to sign up. Being that I couldn't even come close to putting my hands in a usable position in front of me, I had to have a friend help me fill out the form. "Says here you need put a name down for your costume, what do you want me to write in?"
"Uh, put down 'Boris the Clitoris'"
The costume contest was supposed to begin at 10:30, so everyone in the contest was to line up by 9:45. The director started sending people up on to the stage around 10:45; I asked her when I'd be heading up there.
"Sorry honey, it's going to be a little while. I'm sending you up there last. We gotta warm the crowd up first; think of it as foreplay."
I finally got on stage at about 11:15. The crowd went absolutely nuts. Chants of "Pussy! Pussy! Pussy!" filled the night air and I knew I was in good shape to take first place. My main competition was a group dressed up as The Ghostbusters (their costumes were great), Dr. Octopus (another well done costume) and Kramer (the guy did a great job pulling it off). Dr. Octopus was the first one booted off the stage (which I found surprising, but it was good news for me). The Ghostbusters ended up taking third, which left Kramer and I to face off for the grand prize. Fortunately, the crowd was behind me and cheered me on to victory.
After the contest, I was ushered back stage and was met by one of the directors. Before I had a chance to catch my breath, she started issuing warnings to me.
"Get out of your costume as fast as you can and remove any sort of identifying props, makeup, etc. There are a lot of shiesty people in the crowd and we don't want you getting mugged. We're going to take your costume and cash back to the office and you can pick it up later this week. You need to leave the event as soon as possible!"
And with that, I found myself in the middle of the green room, backstage, sans costume, trying to remove all of the pink makeup from my face. I had to ditch my shoes and gloves as well.
I emerged from the backstage area, moments later, all evidence that I was a huge vagina eliminated and rejoined my group of friends.
"Guys, we gotta go…"
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